Should You Get Involved When Friends Argue?

Your eyes are glued to the clock. The last minutes of school slooooowly tick by. In a few hours, your friends will come over for a movie night. You can almost taste the sweet caramel popcorn you’ll prepare. 

But your BFFs Priya and Carlos don’t look so excited. The two of them got into an argument at recess, and they’re still upset. 

Maybe you should help them work it out . . . But do you really want to get involved? 

Your eyes are glued to the clock. The last minutes of school slooooowly go by. In a few hours, your friends will come over for a movie night. You can almost taste the sweet caramel popcorn you’ll make.

But your BFFs Priya and Carlos don’t look excited. The two of them got into an argument at recess. They’re still upset.

Maybe you should help them end their fight . . . But do you really want to get involved?

First, think about what you know. Were you there when your friends started arguing? If the answer is no, you probably don’t have enough information to help. 

You could ask Priya or Carlos to explain what happened, but you might not get the full picture. The way you’re told a story can affect how you think about who’s right or wrong. Of course, you want to be fair to both friends, but it’s easy to take sides without meaning to. And that can lead to more hurt feelings.  

Even if you know exactly why Priya and Carlos are fighting, you may not want to get involved. “It can be difficult to be the friend who cleans up the mess,” says Andrew Tegeler, an elementary school counselor in New York City. Solving an argument takes time and effort—especially when you aren’t a part of it. 

Besides, if you’re always the peacemaker, your friends won’t learn how to solve their own problems. That’s an important skill everyone needs. Plus, research shows that most kids make up after they’ve had time to cool off. Giving Priya and Carlos space could be the best way to help them.

First, think about what you know. Were you there when your friends started arguing? If you weren’t, you probably don’t have enough information to help.

You could ask Priya or Carlos to explain what happened, but you might not get the full story. The way you’re told each side can make it hard to know who’s right or wrong. Of course, you want to be fair. But it’s easy to take sides without meaning to. And that can lead to more hurt feelings.

Even if you know exactly why Priya and Carlos are fighting, you may not want to get involved. “It can be difficult to be the friend who cleans up the mess,” says Andrew Tegeler, an elementary school counselor in New York City. Ending an argument takes time and effort—especially when you aren’t a part of it.

Besides, if you’re always there to help, your friends won’t learn how to solve their own problems. That’s an important skill everyone needs. Plus, research shows that most kids make up after they’ve had time to cool off. Giving Priya and Carlos space could be the best way to help them.

Still, you may feel that getting involved is the right thing to do. After all, these are your BFFs! If you don’t help them end their fight, who will? And it’s stressful when drama comes between friends. 

But before stepping in, think about how you’ll do it. “Ask yourself what’s in your control and what’s out of your control,” suggests Tegeler. You can’t control when—or if—Priya and Carlos make peace. But you can be supportive and help them learn more about each other’s perspective. This is key to repairing relationships. 

It’s also important to set a goal for yourself. For example, it could be to find out how your friends are feeling. Are Priya and Carlos still angry about the fight? If they’re not, it could be a good time to suggest they talk it out—but not over text! Texting can lead to misunderstandings because you can’t see or hear how the other person truly feels. If your friends start to argue over text, suggest that they pause and talk in person.  

Perhaps you could create that opportunity for them to come together. How about inviting Priya and Carlos over early to help make your special caramel popcorn? There is a chance that your friends won’t be ready to hang out just yet. But isn’t an amazing night with your BFFs worth a try? 

Still, you may feel that getting involved is the right thing to do. After all, these are your BFFs! If you don’t help them end their fight, who will? And it’s hard when drama comes between friends.

But before stepping in, think about how you’ll do it. “Ask yourself what’s in your control and what’s out of your control,” suggests Tegeler. You can’t control when—or if—Priya and Carlos make peace. But you can help them learn more about each other’s point of view. This is key to making up.

It’s also important to set a goal for yourself. For example, it could be to find out how your friends are feeling. Are Priya and Carlos still angry about the fight? If they’re not, it could be a good time to suggest they talk. But not over text! Texting can cause misunderstandings because you can’t see or hear how the other person feels. If your friends start to argue over text, suggest that they talk in person.

Perhaps you could give them that chance to come together. How about inviting Priya and Carlos over early to help make your special caramel popcorn? Your friends might not be ready to hang out just yet. But isn’t an amazing night with your BFFs worth a try?